The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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