We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
