I can't watch pbs sober anymore
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
