Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize