so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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