I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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