I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
