You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
