my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
