I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
