someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
