My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
