there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
