So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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