fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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