Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
