Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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