I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
