I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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