I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
