Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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