glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it's like iHOP with fire
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
