I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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