Did I show you my penis last night?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
third nipple confirmed
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
