Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
