fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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