drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
