I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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