I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
