i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Did I show you my penis last night?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
