drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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