I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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