Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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