No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
