The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
