Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
