Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize