I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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