I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
