Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
