I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
