i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
