I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
