and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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