Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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