even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
