My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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