I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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