I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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