I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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