So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
