i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
