Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
