M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
