I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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