another moral hangover. fuck.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
the raccoons are back...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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