You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
