I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize