She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
