i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
